It had been a Very Long Day

She hugged her baby tighter

and wiped the sweat of her brow.

Glad that the worst was over.

It had been a very long day.

She didn’t want to leave

but the small blonde girl seemed to be doing just fine

blowing bubbles with the other children.

She slowly put the key in the ignition

already anticipating returning in a couple of hours.

It had been a very long day.

She didn’t like to see her cry

but she couldn’t stand to see her fail either

would her shy little girl ever change?

“Just two more houses then we can go.”

It had been a very long day.

Her daughter paced the floor of their living room

her black heels making her look even older

ten minutes passed, fifteen, twenty…

And she started to pray.

Finally a car pulled up and the girl fluffed her curls and pulled on her dress.

It was a relief to see her smile

but a fear to see her leave.

It had been a very long day.

After two weeks full of stress and preparation

everyone ran around putting up chairs, checking lights, and playing music.

her shy daughter talked to the strangers as they entered the double doors.

And soon she was dictating the concert.

She caught a glimpse of the future but was glad when it was all over.

It had been a very long day.

Eighteen now, she flew across the stage.

Leaping and turning with a huge smile on her face.

he lifted her effortlessly into the air.

And then she curtsied.

By the time they got home she was ready for bed

with visions of Sugar Plum’s in everyone’s heads

It had been a very long day.

They called her name and she walked across the stage

shaking a couple of hands and grabbing her certificate

had this really all happened so quickly?

Years had passed like the blink of an eye

It felt like only yesterday she was her baby

hooked up to pipes and tubes

with words like awkward, brain damage, and forever

swirling through the air.

Yet, through the Grace of God she stood receiving awards and honors.

Through the Grace of God she smiled back at us

Throught  the Grace of God…

It had been a very long day.

My love Poem

He stood there looking nervous,

I wore my sister’s hat.

To me, he was a stranger

or something similar to that.

I gestured to him slowly.

He barely stepped through the door.

I had never experienced anything

quite like this before.

Our relationship blossomed quickly

like a tree that bore sweet fruit.

I blushed fire-engine red

when he randomly called me cute.

He took me to his hiding place.

He introduced me to his friends.

He kept my chocolate wrapper

and helped me run errands.

We sat on his downstairs couch and

he looked into my eyes.

He told me he wanted to kiss me and

I told him he should try.

His lips touched mine just slightly

and all I could do was grin.

Because, you see, with him

I was the happiest I’d ever been.

We saw each other often

And he bought me yellow flowers

He said he wanted to marry me

And I pondered it for hours.

I asked God for the answers

And yet his voice was still

Eventually I took a leap of faith

While submitting to his will.

Jaron asked me to marry him.

And I readily agreed.

And things seemed to be perfect

He was all I would ever need.

We named several of our children

I bought my wedding dress.

For a minute everything was perfect

But then it slowly became a mess.

We couldn’t agree to anything.

We both had a good cry.

He broke off the engagement

And I thought I was going to die.

At first I was embarrassed

I didn’t want anyone to know.

But then I missed him more

Than I’m even willing to say so.

I pretended I was fine.

I prayed to be ok.

I cried into my mother’s chest.

I wished everything could go away.

I wished I had someone to blame

I wished that Jaron was there

I wished that I could get a solid answer

To my constant pleading prayer.

And then, just for a moment

I was back into his arms

He kissed. He saved me.

And then again he caused me harm.

Gone.

Gone like my happiness.

Gone like my dreams.

Gone like all our plans.

Gone like… Jaron.

Learning from the Pain

I remember the moment distinctly. I was sitting on the back of a four-wheeler and I cried to the heavens. I asked the Lord why he would take this boy away from me that I loved so much. Weren’t there other people who could do the work? Did he really need my Daylen to go on a mission? But of course the answer was yes and I knew that. And I have always wanted to please the Lord. I told him that I was willing to make this sacrifice for Him. In fact He was the only reason I would willing let Daylen leave for two years.

But boy did I grieve. I was so upset when Daylen left. I was willing to make the sacrifice but I had no idea it would affect me this badly. Where were the blessings? How was the Lord allowing me to be this upset when I was willing giving him something so important to me? I prayed and I prayed and I was reminded that Jesus loved me. And He helped me find Jaron.

I never told Daylen I would wait for him, but I never really planned on having Jaron either. I did not believe that I could find somebody so amazing who would want to be in my life. Jaron wasn’t planning on getting into a relationship either. We both had finally decided to stop grieving about missions (Mine being Daylen’s absence and Jaron’s being his own mission) and decided to get back into the dating world. When I met Jaron he was very much still a missionary. He listened to church music and slipped into Swedish and we would go on dates to FHE and read the scriptures together and he made me so happy and he was exactly what I needed.

Jaron told me the Lord had prompted him to marry me and that same week Daylen told me the same thing. Suddenly I went from a girl who was convinced no one would ever want to date her to a woman with two marriage proposals in the space of several days both of which came by spiritual prompting.

So I came back to the Lord and prayed and prayed and prayed. What was his plan for me? Was Jaron my blessing from my sacrifice? Or was I supposed to marry Daylen? In a way I felt like Joseph Smith, praying to know which to choose without realizing that the answer may be, ‘none of them”.

But I was not receiving an answer. I talked to my parents. I talked to Daylen. I talked to Jaron. I talked to the Bishop. I even talked to strangers and yet no one could give me the answer. My dad gave me several blessings and the Lord always offered comfort but no answers. Finally, I decided to take a leap of faith. I told the Lord that I was planning on marrying Jaron and if that was not the right answer to help me know it.

But my heart was hard and I don’t think I was really willing for him to say it was wrong. I loved Jaron and I wanted to be with him forever. But again, the Lord had another plan for me and again I had to learn about sacrifice.

Do I know why Jaron wasn’t right for me? No. But I do know one thing. I came to this earth for two reasons: 1. To get married in the temple and have a family 2. Be willing to choose the Lord in every situation. In a way it’s kinda like the fall. In my little mind the two were contradicting each other. I tried to get married and start a family but then I wasn’t willing to follow the Lord or I tried to follow the Lord and I wasn’t able to start my family.

So I took a step back and I looked for an eternal perspective.

The Lord knows me. He knows what my challenges and strength are. And he alone understands how much I want to get married. I’m sure when I was up in heaven I looked at Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother and longed for a relationship similar to theirs. I’m sure when they were introducing the plan I smiled wide when He spoke of eternal families and temples. I always wanted to be married. And so I came to earth and choosing the Lord was the easy part. I wanted to please Heavenly Father and I knew doing the right thing made me happy too. But I had to prove that I would always pick him even when I didn’t understand why. I had to prove that I wasn’t just doing what I wanted but that I was actually doing what the Lord wanted. When I think about it long enough it almost makes me laugh that I hadn’t seen it before. Why wouldn’t the Lord try to strengthen my faith in Him while I searched for my companion?

The Lord always needs to be the most important man in my life. And I think I’m not too that point yet. I ask the Lord why I have to sacrifice for him without even thinking of the sacrifices he has made for me. He loves me. He knows me and even when it may seem otherwise he wants me to be happy because he knows how to make me happy. He know way better than I do!

So do I miss Jaron? Yes. Do I miss Daylen? Yes. But I think I miss the Lord too. Of course I’m not happy. Of course I want to be married right now. But I’m glad that the Lord trusted me enough to let me pick him. And I learned so much about myself and you know what I’m going to be ok someday, meaning not this day, but soon. And it’s hard but I know when I focus on the Lord he can make my burdens light.