Learning from the Pain

I remember the moment distinctly. I was sitting on the back of a four-wheeler and I cried to the heavens. I asked the Lord why he would take this boy away from me that I loved so much. Weren’t there other people who could do the work? Did he really need my Daylen to go on a mission? But of course the answer was yes and I knew that. And I have always wanted to please the Lord. I told him that I was willing to make this sacrifice for Him. In fact He was the only reason I would willing let Daylen leave for two years.

But boy did I grieve. I was so upset when Daylen left. I was willing to make the sacrifice but I had no idea it would affect me this badly. Where were the blessings? How was the Lord allowing me to be this upset when I was willing giving him something so important to me? I prayed and I prayed and I was reminded that Jesus loved me. And He helped me find Jaron.

I never told Daylen I would wait for him, but I never really planned on having Jaron either. I did not believe that I could find somebody so amazing who would want to be in my life. Jaron wasn’t planning on getting into a relationship either. We both had finally decided to stop grieving about missions (Mine being Daylen’s absence and Jaron’s being his own mission) and decided to get back into the dating world. When I met Jaron he was very much still a missionary. He listened to church music and slipped into Swedish and we would go on dates to FHE and read the scriptures together and he made me so happy and he was exactly what I needed.

Jaron told me the Lord had prompted him to marry me and that same week Daylen told me the same thing. Suddenly I went from a girl who was convinced no one would ever want to date her to a woman with two marriage proposals in the space of several days both of which came by spiritual prompting.

So I came back to the Lord and prayed and prayed and prayed. What was his plan for me? Was Jaron my blessing from my sacrifice? Or was I supposed to marry Daylen? In a way I felt like Joseph Smith, praying to know which to choose without realizing that the answer may be, ‘none of them”.

But I was not receiving an answer. I talked to my parents. I talked to Daylen. I talked to Jaron. I talked to the Bishop. I even talked to strangers and yet no one could give me the answer. My dad gave me several blessings and the Lord always offered comfort but no answers. Finally, I decided to take a leap of faith. I told the Lord that I was planning on marrying Jaron and if that was not the right answer to help me know it.

But my heart was hard and I don’t think I was really willing for him to say it was wrong. I loved Jaron and I wanted to be with him forever. But again, the Lord had another plan for me and again I had to learn about sacrifice.

Do I know why Jaron wasn’t right for me? No. But I do know one thing. I came to this earth for two reasons: 1. To get married in the temple and have a family 2. Be willing to choose the Lord in every situation. In a way it’s kinda like the fall. In my little mind the two were contradicting each other. I tried to get married and start a family but then I wasn’t willing to follow the Lord or I tried to follow the Lord and I wasn’t able to start my family.

So I took a step back and I looked for an eternal perspective.

The Lord knows me. He knows what my challenges and strength are. And he alone understands how much I want to get married. I’m sure when I was up in heaven I looked at Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother and longed for a relationship similar to theirs. I’m sure when they were introducing the plan I smiled wide when He spoke of eternal families and temples. I always wanted to be married. And so I came to earth and choosing the Lord was the easy part. I wanted to please Heavenly Father and I knew doing the right thing made me happy too. But I had to prove that I would always pick him even when I didn’t understand why. I had to prove that I wasn’t just doing what I wanted but that I was actually doing what the Lord wanted. When I think about it long enough it almost makes me laugh that I hadn’t seen it before. Why wouldn’t the Lord try to strengthen my faith in Him while I searched for my companion?

The Lord always needs to be the most important man in my life. And I think I’m not too that point yet. I ask the Lord why I have to sacrifice for him without even thinking of the sacrifices he has made for me. He loves me. He knows me and even when it may seem otherwise he wants me to be happy because he knows how to make me happy. He know way better than I do!

So do I miss Jaron? Yes. Do I miss Daylen? Yes. But I think I miss the Lord too. Of course I’m not happy. Of course I want to be married right now. But I’m glad that the Lord trusted me enough to let me pick him. And I learned so much about myself and you know what I’m going to be ok someday, meaning not this day, but soon. And it’s hard but I know when I focus on the Lord he can make my burdens light.